Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
