please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
