Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize