Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My bed smells like the plague
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
