rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
