I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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