he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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