Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
