my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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