I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
