I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
