i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
