she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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