It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Come on in and take your pants off
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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