Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
