Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
