Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
