how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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