sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
