Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
