I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
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sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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