i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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