Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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