i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
