My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
