Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
