if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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