we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
