i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
