Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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