I wish I only lived at night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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