I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
