how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
time to smoke my breakfast
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
