He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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