i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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