So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
