You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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