i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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