Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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