I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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