When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
