Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
