Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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