Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
