he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
