I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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