You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
