Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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