omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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