i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
