guys are only as good as the porn they watch
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
