Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
