i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
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