she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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