you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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