To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
