4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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