Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
