I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
