well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
