you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You pole danced in your parka.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
