Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
