I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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