Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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